by Raven Macias
Nana was born and raised in California. She met my grandfather when he was in the navy. In the 70’s they decided to move to New Mexico being that was where my grandfather was born and raised. They had 2 children Sophia and Billy jr. When Sophia was 15, she got pregnant and had a little girl 3 months after she turned 16. I was that little girl. She was still young and didn’t know much about raising a child, so that’s where Nana stepped in., she raised me as her own. She was a kid at heart she had short jet-black hair that she always spiked up, with her ears pierced all the way up to the top. Always wearing eyeball rings and earrings and even a pierced nose. She knew everything about me. Nana was an amazing role model. She worked at the public schools with children that were autistic. She would come home after work and cook, clean and help me with homework. She knew everything about me. There was no need to keep secrets from her she was hip and cool and never once judgmental.
Time went on and I became a senior in high school. With no hesitation Nana was there to buy me my senior ring, my cap and gown and even throw me a party. She was young at heart and the life of the party. Every morning she would wake the house up to 94 Rock on the radio and the smell of breakfast cooking. She was the rock of our family. She held us all together. She was always there with open arms, if anyone needed advice, food, money whatever you needed if she could give it to you. She was there when I became a mother for the first time, the one to give me a baby shower.
Any type of decision I had to make she was always the first person I would go to. She took amazing care of all of us. My grandpa especially, she maintained his diet when he got diabetes. She took care of the bills, his meals, and anything else a wife would do. No matter what time of day no matter what you needed if she could she would.
It started off a normal July morning in 2016. Got my girls dressed and lunches packed. I dropped Elena off at school and Emma at Nana’s house then I headed to work. Around 1:30pm I called Nana to check on my toddler and see how her day was going. Everything was going well except my Nana was filling ill. She thought maybe it was the stomach bug and gave it a couple of days. She continued to still fill sick, so she decided to go in and see the doctor. They decided to run some tests, only because a stomach bug shouldn’t last this long. So, they took some blood and told her to go home and rest. The following day she received a call from the nurse asking her to come in so that they can review her test results. Later that evening she asked me to go over to her house so that we could talk. Knowing that she was sick and had tests done. being asked to come over to talk gave me a stomach pain and a knot in my throat. I remember as if it were yesterday. I walked in the house and saw my Nana sitting on her green sofa just staring into the sky. I sat across from her on the other sofa as she begun to talk. She said Raven (and an aww of silence you could hear a pin drop) I have cancer. I couldn’t speak all I could do is cry. All I could think about is what am I going to do without my Nana the one person that knows everything about me the one person that has always inspired me to follow my dreams. We stood up and hugged crying in each other’s arms, and like always my Nana was the one to be the strongest and tell me everything was going to be alright. After that day life was different, it was like there was always a dark cloud following me.
Then came the summer of 2016 a change no one ever wants. Nana was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. The doctors said she had it for about a year before it started affecting her. We were all so devastated. By the end of august she was getting chemo and radiation. She was going through the stages of treatment. The hair loss, no appetite vomiting feeling weak and deep depression. It was hard to see the rock of our family crumbling. We all thought she was in great health for being 69 years old. As time went on, I felt myself getting distant. I couldn’t stand to see my best friend fade away. Besides I was only 29 and had so much more to learn from her. By October of 2016 Nana had been in treatment for 6 weeks. It was time for a new cat scan to see where things were. On Halloween we got great new the cancer had shrunk 50%. We were all so excited, that we decided to plan a celebratory thanksgiving. Nana and I were going to make pumpkin pies together and we couldn’t wait. On November 13,2016 at 10pm I got a phone call from my grandfather asking if I could come over and help with my Nana, she had fallen and she was too heavy for him to pick up. At that time, I lived only 3 minutes away, so I zoomed over. When I got into the house and went to her room, I remember seeing her on the floor in the doorway of her bathroom. I was ready to help her up and get her to bed. She immediately said no that she wanted me to call an ambulance. She wanted to go to the hospital she was in pain and scared. I remember her exact words she said, ‘what if I can’t get up in the morning”. So, I called the ambulance and they arrived. My grandfather and I followed the ambulance to the hospital it felt as if it took hours when in all reality it took 10 minutes. At one point the ambulance stopped on the side of the road. I got down and asked the EMT what was going on and he stated they were going to transport her to another ambulance because they were needed elsewhere. Then they decided to continue the way to the hospital.
When we arrived my uncle and mother were right behind us. I remember my uncle asking if my Nana had fallen and hurt herself because he saw blood on her leg when he glanced at the EMT’s taking her inside. After awhile we were finally able to go back and see her. In the emergency room I saw a towel fool of blood and that’s when I put two and two together. The ambulance had pulled over because she was throwing up too much blood, and when my uncle thought that she cut her knee he was really seeing the blood she was throwing up. The ER doctors had told us that her aortic valve had burst, and she was bleeding internally.
She was coherent, and they asked her if she would like them to repair it in surgery although it would just be temporary. She declined and asked that they just make her comfortable. After a few hours I brought my grandfather home to rest.
The next day we were all there early to be by her side. She was heavily sedated and comfortable. That day November 14,2016 my Nana passed away at 2:35 pm. At that time, I remembered that she told me she was afraid that she wouldn’t be able to get out of bed if we didn’t call the ambulance, and I realized she knew she was not going to make it through the night. I bet most of you are wondering, but her cancer shrunk 50% I wondered that myself. Turns out what she died from is hereditary and runs in our family, it had nothing to do with her cancer.
Now that Nana was gone, we all had to learn how to live life without her. In the beginning it was hard, especially because she died so close to the holidays. We continued to celebrate her life and keep her spirit alive. We all made sure we took turns taking care of my grandpa. After a few months my grandfather decided that he wanted to buy a new house and have my uncle and mom live with him to help care for him. They found a home and he gave his old home to myself and my family. We redid it to fit our style. It makes me comfortable and happy to live in the same home my grandmother spent her life in. her spirit is always with me.
After having to experience such a big loss I have learned to live every day as if it were my last. I know what you’re thinking everyone says that, but how do they do it? As for me I cherish every day. I spend it by being a stay-at-home mom. Raising my children my 3 children. By taking them to school everyday picking them up. Watching my oldest daughter play sports, being her biggest fan. Enjoying time with my middle daughter taking her to girl scouts. Spending every minute of every day with my little boy. Making sure they know who their Nana was. Having them spend time with their grandfather. Being able to tuck them in at night and wake them up every morning. Teaching them that life is so much more than just electronics and money. Overflowing them with love and teaching them how important it is to be kind to everyone. We never know what anyone is going through. Never leave mad or go to sleep upset, you never know when that might be your last time on earth.
Leonardo Magazine 